Beheaded Already

There were several soldiers who just came back from a battle. Some of them went to a food stall and told the others about his bravery and manliness in the war. Nasreddin was one of the listeners.

One of the soldiers said, "I swung my sword left and right, many enemies fell down and died at once." The listeners clapped their hands. The soldier looked very proud.

"Your story reminds me of something!" Nasreddin shouted. "What's that?" asked one of the listeners. Nasreddin said, "In the last war I fought, I swung my sword toward my enemy's legs. He was also dead at once."

Then the applause came to him. Suddenly one of soldiers asked, "Why didn't you just behead him? It's much greater for a warrior."

"That's impossible," Nasreddin answered quickly. "Why?" asked the other. "My comrade had done it before I did," answered Nasreddin.

A Strange Country

One of Nasreddin's neighbours was a merchant. He traded to many foreign countries. He was considered the smartest man in the neighbourhood because of his experience. When he went home from his journey he always had some new stories his neighbours had never heard before.

One day he told his neighbours a new story. "You know, I have just visited a new country that I have never imagined before. It's really a strange country."

"What's so strange?" asked one of them. Nasreddin was sitting beside the man who just asked the question. "The country was very rich. The people were bright skinned and quite smart," explained the merchant.

"All right. And what's so strange?" asked the other person impatiently. "There the weather was very hot so that nobody wore any clothes." Quickly Nasreddin asked, "So, if they wore no clothes, how did you differentiate between the men and the women?"

A Beautiful Dream

One night Nasreddin dreamt something very beautiful. When he was sitting alone by the street, someone approached him. The man looked very kind and rich. He gave a gold coin to Nasreddin. He gave one more and more until there were nine coins. Then he stopped giving more coins.

Nasreddin knew that there was one more coin left in the man's hand. He said, "Please, give me the other coin so that I have ten coins." The man shook his head. But Nasreddin urged him, "Give me one more, please. Give me one more!"

The man shook his head again. Nasreddin wanted to hit the man. As he swung his hand, he woke up. He opened his hands. Of course, there was no coin at all there. As soon as possible he closed his eyes and cried, "All right, all right! You don't have to give me more coins. Nine is enough. Now give them back to me!"

Tomorrow is The Doomsday

One day several children came to Nasreddin and said, "Sir, your sheep is very fat and healthy. what do you think if we slaughter it and have a party tomorrow?" Nasreddin loved his sheep very much. He did not allow the children to slaughter the sheep. But he did not want to disappoint them also.

He said, "No, it's not fat enough to slaughter. Wait for some months and it will be very fat and delicious." The children did not want to go. One of them persuaded, "Sir, didn't you hear that the day after tomorrow is the Doomsday. And the sheep won't get fatter anymore. It is no use to keep any sheep."

Nasreddin was very annoyed with the children reason. He said, "All right, then. Tomorrow we go on a picnic and have a barbecue together."

The children shouted happily. The next morning Nasreddin and the children went on a picnic. After walking for some distance, they came to a camping ground near a river. The children urged Nasreddin to slaughter his sheep. Then Nasreddin did what the children wanted.

Nasreddin said to the children, "I see your body is sweating and dirty. Why don't you take a bath in the river and let me make the barbecue?"

The children agreed. They put off their clothes and one by one they jumped into the river. While the children were taking a bath, Nasreddin took their clothes silently. He brought the clothes to the place where he made the barbecue. He burnt the clothes to make fire for the barbecue. Several minutes later the children came.

"Where are our clothes?" asked one of them. Then the other also asked for their clothes. "See here. The barbecue will be ready in a short time," said Nasreddin. The children looked happy. They came to the barbecue closer. One of them said, "That seems delicious. But where are our clothes?"

"Oh yeah. I've burnt them down here to make the barbecue," said Nasreddin. "No, my mother will get angry with me," said one of them. The other children also shouted in that way.

"Listen, children. I think you will not need them anymore. Don't you remember you said that tomorrow is the Doomsday."

Not Finished Yet

Nasreddin felt that he was already old. He thought that he would die soon. So, he asked for someone to make a grave for him. He promised to pay the man a certain amount of money. He promised to pay the man a certain amount of money when the work was finished.

During the work, Nasreddin protested many things about the grave. But, at last the man finished the grave." asked the man. "The grave is not complete yet," said Nasreddin. "What else should I do to complete it. I've done everything," said the man angrily. "It's not complete yet because the corpse is not there yet," answered Nasreddin.

Watch the Door

One day, when Nasreddin was still young, his mother would have something to do outside. Before leaving, she said to Nasreddin, "Nasreddin, since you are at home alone, you have to watch the door carefully. Don't let anyone in. There have been many thieves recently."

Nasreddin, therefore, sat by the door. An hour later, his uncle came. "Where is your mother?" he asked. "She is out", Nasreddin answered. "My family will be here altogether this evening."

As his uncle left, Nasreddin started thinking, "Mother told me to watch the door. Uncle asked me to find her and tell her that he would be here with the whole family."

Having thought over and over, he finally made a decision. He pulled the door up, carried it, and went to meet his mother.

Before It's Late

It was a long dry season. Most wells were dry. So, Nasreddin asked his son to take some drinking water from a natural fountain. He handed a jar to his son. After that, he hit his son's face and said, "Be careful, don't break the jar!" The boy cried and left.

One of his neighbours knew the event. He felt a pity on the boy. He approached Nasreddin and said, "Nasreddin, your son is a nice boy. Why do you hit him?"

"In order not to break the jar," Nasreddin answered. "You're not wise, Nasreddin. The jar is not broken, but you have hit your son."

"You're wrong," Nasreddin answered, "If I hit him after he breaks the jar, as most people do, it would be very late. And it is no use to do something late."

Sermon

Nasreddin got his turn to deliver a sermon at the mosque for three Fridays consecutively. Nasreddin actualy felt that the duty was too difficult for him, bt he could bot evade from it.

On the first Friday all people had been sitting nicely waiting for his sermon. Nasreddin walked to the stage. He said, "Gentlemen, do you know the topic of the sermon I want to talk about now?"

The people were surprised because nobody had asked about something before a sermon was delivered. They answered, "No, not yet." Then Nasreddin said, "Well, if you don't know anything about the important topic, I think it's no use to talk about it. It's to late."

After that Nasreddin got down from the stage without delivering any sermon. The people went home in disappointment.

The next Friday, Nasreddin came to the stage again with the same question. The audience thought for a moment before answering the question. They were afraid if nasreddin would not deliver any sermon. So, they said, "Yes, we do."

Nasreddin said, "Well, you have known everything. Certainly it is useless to talk again about something that we have known well." Then Nasreddin walked down from the stage. That Friday the people were disappointed again because Nasreddin did not deliver any sermon.

On the last Friday, Nasreddin came up to the stage again. He raised the same question. The audience were so confused that some said "No", some said "Yes", and the rest said nothing.

"Allright, gentlemen," said Nasreddin, "Since some of you have known about the topic and some others haven't, I think it would be much better if the ones who haven't known ask about it to the ones who have known about it." After saying so, Nasreddin walked down the stage. And there was no sermon again on that Friday.

Where is My Cat

Although Nasreddin was a poor man, but he was very fond of fish which were quite expensive at that time. He, however, had saved a sufficient amount of money for about three months to buy fish. Then, he went to the market to buy two kilograms of fish.

He brought them home. When he arrived home, he said to his wife, "My dear, I just bought two kilograms of fish. I will invite our friends to have dinner here. They also like fish very much. Let alone, they often invited us to eatand we haven't done so. So, cook the fish and I'm inviting then."

At about 7 o'clock in the evening Nasreddin went home with his friends. They went to the dining table right away. But Nasreddin was very surprised to see no fish there. "Who has eaten up the fish?" Nasreddin askes his wife. "Who else? It's your greedy cat," answered his wife.

Nasreddin was very ashamed with his friends. There was no fish as he had promised his friends before. At last, they had dinner with simple soup only.

After his friends went home, Nasreddin caught his cat. Then he went to a small shop nearby. There he weighed his cat carefully. It weighed two kilograms only. He seemed very confused. After he thanked the shop owner, he went home.

He said to his wife, "The fish were two kilograms. You said that they were eaten up by the cat." "That's right," his wife said quickly. "I just weighed the cat. It weighs two kilograms only. You said that the two-kilogram fish are inside its belly. So, where's my cat?" Nasreddin asked his wife anngrily.

Collecting Money

Nasreddin was collecting some money from his neighbours. Whenever he came to his neighbours he always said, "Brother, I'm collecting money to pay a poor man's debt. I must do it because he is not able to pay back the money."

One of his neighbours said, "That's a very good act!" Then, he gave Nasreddin several coins. He said further, "You're right, Nasreddin. We have to take a pity on the poor. But, who is the poor man that you help now?"

"It's me," said Nasreddin, walking away quickly. Several months later, Nasreddin came to the same neighbour again. The neighbour looked cynical. He said, "Nasreddin, I know you come again to talk about a poor man that is not able to pay his debt. And you want to collect money to help him."

"Yes, you're right." "And the poor who has a debt is yourself," said the neighbour. "No, not this time. The poor person is Ali," he answered. The neighbour smiled. He said, "I'm glad to hear that. You really do something good for others. Here you are my alms."

The man handed several coins. Nasreddin accepted them gladly. Then he walked away. "Wait, Nasreddin. If I may know, what makes you so concerned about others' probems?" asked the neighbour. "You know, it's me who lend him the money," Nasreddin answered and walked away.

Believing a Donkey

Nasreddin knew that most of his neighbours were kind-hearted except one lady. She liked borrowing things from others but always forgot to return them.

One day the woman came to Nasreddin's house. After greeting him, the woman said, "I have to carry a lot of things to the town this morning. I have neither any rope to tie them up nor donkey to carry all the things. May I borrow yours? I will return them to you this afternoon as soon as I finished using them."

Nasreddin thought that she would also forget to return the rope and the donkey. So he answered, "I'm so sorry. I use the rope myself."
"But I see it lying on the floor," said the woman.
"Right. That's the way I use it," answered Nasreddin.
"How long will you use your rope in that way?"
"Till I want to lend it to someone," said Nasreddin.

The woman was disappointed. But she asked Nasreddin further about his donkey. She asked, "May I borrow your donkey?" Nasreddin answered, "Sorry, I cannot lend it to you either. My donkey is borrowed by my brother-in-law. If it were here, I would be very glad to lend you."

"Really? Last night I saw it behind your house. Where is it now?" asked the woman. "Early in the morning my brother-in-law brought it to the town." answered Nasreddin. But at the same time, his donkey brayed loudly from the backyard.

Angrily, the woman said, "Well, you tell me a lie. I can hear that the donkey is in the backyard. I hear it braying. You should be ashamed of yourself, Nasreddin." Nasreddin was angry too. He shouted, "Shame on you. You believe the donkey better than me. That's ridiculous!"

Prepared in a Hurry

One of Nasreddin's neighbours was holding a party. He invited all the people in the neighbourhood. Nasreddin had not received the invitation yet. He waited and waited for the invitation, but it did not come to him. He was very disappointed.

The party would begin in a short time. Many guests had come. Nasreddin just saw them from a distance. He thought about it for a quite long time. Finally he smiled as he got a bright idea.

He went into his house, took a piece of blank paper, folded it, and put it into an envelope. Then he went to the party. There he tried to meet the host. He came to a servent and said, "I bring an important letter for your master. Can I see him?"

The servent brought him to the big-beautiful room where all the guests enjoyed the delicious food. He told Nasreddin to wait for the host while he was telling his master about the letter. Then Nasreddin ate the delicious food and drank together with the other visitors. He had a chat also with them.

The host, then, called Nasreddin. Nasreddin handed the envelope to him. The host opened the envelope and he was confused because it only contained a piece of blank paper. He said to Nasreddin, "Are you sure that the letter is for me?" "Yes, Sir," answered Nasreddin. "It doesn't have any address. I also do not find the sender's address. After all, it's blank paper," said the host to him. He showed the blank paper to Nasreddin. "That's right, Sir. There's no writing on it because it was prepared in a hurry," Nasreddin answered.

Nasreddin and the Professor

One day a very brilliant professor visited a town where Nasreddin lived. The professor was very famous throughout the country for his knowledge about many things. Not like other citizens, Nasreddin doubted him and wanted to test him.

He met the professor and said, "Professor, I want to ask you a question." "Go ahead," answered the professor. "We have to make a deal first. If you cannot answer my question, you have to pay me 10 coins. Then you can ask me a question. If I cannot answer your question, I will pay you one coin," explained Nasreddin.

The professor said quickly, "It's not fair!" "Yes, it's quite fair because you are highly educated, know much of everything. While I am not educated and not a professor," said Nasreddin.

The professor thought for a while and finally he agreed. Nasreddin smiled and said, "What do you call an animal that has three legs?" The professor thought for quite a long time while his right hand was rubbing his bald forehead. At last he quitted, "I don't know. I quit, Nasreddin."

He gave Nasreddin 10 coins. Then he asked Nasreddin the same question, "Now it's my turn. Nasreddin, what do you call an animal that has three legs?" "I don't know either, Professor," answered Nasreddin quickly, handling one coin to the professor. He put the rest into his pocket and went away.

Selling a Ladder

There was a rich garden that was full of fruit trees near Nasreddin's house. Nasreddin himself did not have any fruit tree. One day he saw that the fruit trees had a lot of ripe fruits. Nasreddin wanted to pick some. Then he took a ladder from his toolhshed and put it againts the wall that protected the garden. Soom he climbed tha ladde. As he was on top of the wall he pulled the ladder up and put it in the other side of the garden. Then he climbed down the ladder.

When he was about to hop to the land, the owner of the garden came. He shouted, "What are you doing, here?" "I have a ladder and I want to sell it now," said Nasreddin quickly. "Selling your ladder? In my fruit garden? Don't be foolish, Nasreddin. I won't believe you. You must want to steal my fruits," said the owner angrily. "You're the fool," said Nasreddin. "It's my ladder, you know? I can sell it anywhere I want to. If you don't have any money, you needn't but it." And he climbed up the ladder again quickly. Then he pulled up the ladder and put it in the other side of the garden. He climbed down quickly and he got to his own yard already.

I'm Half Mad

It was a fruit season. Almost all people at that country planted fruit trees. So did Nasreddin. He had a lot of grape trees. He picked two basketful of grapes and wanted to sell the grapes to the market. He put the two baskets on his donkey and brought them to the market.

It was a very hot midday. The market was still far before him. He stopped and had a drink in a food stall nearby. Then several men with several donkeys bringing grapes came and took a rest at the same food stall. After having lunch, they fell asleep. Nasreddin did not fell asleep. Seeing the men were sleeping, he went oout. He began taking out some grapes from the men's baskets and putting them into his.

Suddenly one of them woke up and saw him. He shouted, "What are you doing?" "Oh, I'm half mad. Sometimes I do strange things and do not know what I am doing," said he. "Really? Then why don't you sometimes take grapes from your baskets and put them into our baskets?" asked the man angrily.

Meanwhile the other men woke up. They approached Nasreddin. Nasreddin was afraid. "You don't understand me. I said I am half mad, not totally mad. So, I still can differentiate which ones are my baskets and which ones others'. But I cannot differentiate where are others' baskets if mine are there also."

Sharing a Drink

The sun was shining brightly. Nasreddin and his friend were going to the market. They walked through the street along which there were no trees at all. They felt hot and thirsty. They wanted to buy a glass of milk but they did not have enough money. Then they collected their money and bought a glass of milk with it. Before buying the milk, they promised to share the milk.

"Now, let's share the drink. You'll drink half a glass and I will drink the rest," said Nasreddin. His friend said, "You drink first, Nasreddin." "Why?" Nasreddin asked. "I bring a little sugar with me. This is enough for half a glass of milk only, I'll put the sugar into my share only," said his friend. "Put it into the milk, now. I'll drink half a glass," said Nasreddin. "No, this sugar is enough for half a glass only."

Then Nasreddin ran to the small shop nearby and bought a pack of salt that was very cheap. Then he went back to his friend. "There's good news for you," said he, "As we have agreed I'll drink my share first. Since I have a pack of salt, I'll put it into the milk. I'll drink first and then you. You can put your sugar after I drink my milk with my salt."

As Strong as Young People

Nasreddin and his friends were discussing a crime done by young men in the town recently. Their topic soon changed into youth's morality at that time. They also compared the morality with one of the older people. It seemed that almost all of them agreed the conclusion that in general old people were wiser and better the the young people.

One of them said, "Although old people are wiser than young ones, young people are much stronger than old ones." After having a short discussion all the people agreed also to that opinion except Nasreddin. "Why don't you agree with us?" asked one of them. Nasreddin answered, "I can prove that old people are as strong as young people." "What do you mean? I think it's impossible!" one of them said. "Yes, the proof is I'm now as strong as I was when I was young," Nasreddin said.

The other persons asked him to prove his opinion. Nasreddin explained, "In the corner of our yard there was a big stone. When I was teenager I used to try to lift it up. I always failed because I was still young and not strong enough. I thought I should wait for some years. Now I'm old and when I tried to lift it up last week, I still could not do it. Therefore, my conclusion is I am as strong as I was when I was teenager. So, old people are as strong as young people."

Nasreddin and the Pot

One day Nasreddin borrowed a pot from his neighbour Ali. The next day he brought it back with another little pot inside. "That's not mine," said Ali. "Yes, it is," said Nasreddin. "While your pot was staying with me, it had a baby."

Some time later Nasreddin asked Ali to lend him a pot again. Ali agreed, hoping that he would once again receive two pots in return. However, days passed and Nasreddin had still not returned the pot. Finally Ali lost patience and went to demand his property. "I am sorry," said Nasreddin. "I can't give you back your pot, since it has died." "Died!" screamed Ali, "how can a pot die?" "Well," said Nasreddin, "you believed me when I told you that your pot had had a baby."